


Choices we make

by Aalvina



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Break Up, Kinda, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 18:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18155561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aalvina/pseuds/Aalvina
Summary: Alec and Magnus get into a fight about Magnus search for his magic. Their relationship challenged, Alec makes a choice.





	Choices we make

**Author's Note:**

> So Here some angst for you people who love it.

It's always difficult to know how a fight started , which word was too much, what intonation sparked it to life ? But for this one, Alec knew. It was Magnus silence and mysterious disappearances, his unability to enjoy small moments with him. It was the feeling of losing him. So when he found out Magnus had been doing dangerous experiments with Lorenzo to get his magic back he just couldn't take it anymore.

 

“It's who I am Alec, my magic, my being.”

“But this could kill you! You have no idea if it might work, what the consequences will be. Asmodeus is not going to give it back that easily.”

“Don't you think I know what Asmodeus won't let happen! I know! But I need to try, I need to feel like me again!”

“You are you! For the Angel's sake Magnus! I know you, and your magic doesn't define who you are!”

Magnus let a sad laugh escape him.

“It is Alec, me Magnus Bane the warlock is who I am. I tried to be this human fantasy for you but I can't.”

Alec frowned and anger rose once again in his chest.

“Fantasy! You think this is a fantasy of mine?! I did not wish for you to give up anything!” he shouted the last word louder. Finally getting what was plaging them out. “I didn't ask you to do that.”

“But you did! You wanted Jace safe, Lilith away and I did it, all of it. I saved the goddam world and got squat! I sacrifice everything for YOU! But this is too much. I need, I need to feel like me again.”

 

Alec took a step back, fighting incoming tears as his mind went to the next sentence to say and fought against it.

“Why didn't you asked me for help? Why did you go to Lorenzo of all people !”

“I had no choice, he forbade every warlock in New York from helping me.”

“And that did not strike you as weird, dangerous? You have so many friends all other the world! You could have gone to them, not into the arms of the one warlock who has nothing to win from you getting your powers back! Can't you see that!?”

 

Alec stared right at Magnus and he could see that Magnus knew he was right but still stood by his decision. So Alec prepared himself for the next blow.

“It's my life Alec, my decision, my errors.”

And this was it. Alec could actually see the moment Magnus decided the conversation was over, his face softening as he was about to say some sweet thing to calm Alec down, to avoid the fight from continuing. But Alec was scared, deeply scared of losing Magnus, to death in some part but to magic.

“I'll always lose against it, won't I?” he sighed.

Magnus froze in surprise.

“Alec? What?...”

“Magic.” he explained. “I'll always lose to it.” Alec said, despair engulfing his lungs.

“This is not a fight, this is not a choice between you and magic Alec. This is about me.” Magnus was lost, not understanding what the hell just happened.

 

Alec went to the living room and sagged on the couch, his hands pulling at his hair.

“My bow is in the entrance.” started Alec and Magnus stayed there, standing, not quite understanding and too dumbfound to move, so Alec continued.

“Izzy took my room at the Institute, this loft is the only place I have now. But when I asked a few weeks ago, to move in. You said no, because you were immortal and magical and felt like I was moving too quickly. But then you were mortal and everything needed to be quicker so I moved in. Well you moved me in. One day all my things were just here.”

Alec took a deep breath, and looked at Magnus who slowly came to sit on the chair in front of him.

“I got selfish and thought its was it, as awful the situation was, we were moving forward together and I...”

but he stopped, a sob escaping him. Magnus moved to take his hand but Alec denied him., and as much as Magnus wanted to understand, this just hurt too much. He was just too tired, too weak to listen and care.

 

“So you want me to chose.” he stated and Alec whipped his head back up, eyes glistening but frowning. “You like me better mortal because it's easier for you.”

“No.” murmurmed Alec but Magnus ignored him.

“Much easier, finally we're on the same ground, even better you are more powerful!” and Magnus was getting himself worked up.

“No Magnus...”

“How sad your life with me must have been when I had magic for you to prefer this actual weak, sad version of me. You don't know me!”

“Shut up !” yelled Alec, and Magnus' eyes were throwing daggers, he was pretty sure magic would have erupted if he still had it.

“I don't think this is a better version, this is not even a version of you Magnus. You were still trying to live everything as an immortal, remember? Our talk after the art show? I said we should enjoy the small moments and you lied. You said I was everything you needed and you lied. I knew that but so so hoped I was enough.”

 

“How I feel is not an easy fix Alec! It's not about you! Everything is not about you. It's about me, my grief, my magic, me!”

Magnus was getting annoyed. They were getting nowhere. Alec with his insecurities, himself with this gaping hole in his chest where magic was before.

Alec stood up slowly and crossed the distance between the two of them, Magnus waited and so slowly, hesitant even, Alec kissed him, his lips tasted salty from the few tears he had let escape. It was soft and scary because Magnus knew these types of kisses but before his brain could entangle his anger into action Alec spoke one last time.

“I was too fleeting when you were immortal and too lasting when you weren't. I love you Magnus, shadowhunters only really love once. You're my one but as much as you love me, as much as we want to. I'm not yours.”

 

There he had said it. Alec smiled at Magnus and left before the man could fully register what had happen. He knew Magnus would fight him on this but this was Alec's truth. Too different, different worlds, centuries, beings. Love did not conquer all and Alec the shadowhunter would always struggle with Magnus immortality as Magnus the warlock would always keep some of his heart safe from Alec's mortality.

It was unfair that this was how it ended. Now, as his actions registered completely he started to run in the city toward the Institute and stood there, in front of it and felt so helpless. He couldn't stop the Clave from torturing downworlders, could not save his relationship. All he wanted was a time out from his life. But for now, he could only work one day at a time. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Well I hope you angsty people liked it. Leave a kudos or comment!


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